LoR Poetic Parodies
Can you recognize the poems our RIWAN writers are parodying? Give them a listen if you get stuck!
This is just to say - Recorded by Alkaloid
I have eaten the tasty faefolk that were in the event node and which you were probably intending for healing Forgive me they were delicious so sweet and so purple -solitaryplace ("This Is Just To Say", William Carlos Williams)
Aggro hurt me again - Recorded by Alkaloid
Roses are red my heart is blue my Nexus exploded all cuz of you!! -Alkaloid ("Roses are Red", Roud Folk Song Index)
Still I Survive - Recorded by Alkaloid
You should write me down in history, As the one that almost died. You may scare me, with a 10|10 byrd, But still, my luck! I’ll survive. Does my sassiness upset you? Did you run out of board room? Cause I walk like I have 100 health, Sitting in my nexus’ womb? Just like a midnight moped gang, With the certainty of flies, I’ll annoy the buzzing light out of you, Whatever it takes to survive. Did you want to see a harrowing return, Upon the descendance of the skies? Well today baby, the spirit yields And the warmother cries denied. Does my longevity offend you? Did you want to keep your bard? Well honey I’ll end that silly little game plan, Before it even starts. You may shoot me with your cannons, You may cut me with your scythes You may kill me with your vengefulness, But still, like Braum, I’ll survive. Does my elusiveness upset you? Does it come as a surprise? That I dance like I have a full hand ready, Even if it’s all poroflies? Like a 1 cost songbird with spellshield, I’ll survive, Like a Cythria raised in Demacian fields, I’ll survive, I’m stacked and loaded, here for the ride, Nabbing and stealing, I bide for my time. Muting all your emotes I don’t care, I’ll survive Into a late game so wondrously endeared, I’ll survive Bringing the rhythms that my playlists gave, I am the dream and the hope of the rave, I survive I survive I survive -Saliet Monay ("Still I Rise", Maya Angelou)
In The Darkness - Recorded by Hazy
In the darkness, I find my power From the skies, I make it descend The reality, I make it disappear Meteorites, shall come to obliterate By my hand, the most dangerous yordle! I was once imprisoned by the king of death Used my magic for his evil deeds Treated me like... ugh a tiny being My kin disappeared My knowledge, all for him to rule Until others captured, put him in condemn In my castle and city, darkness will reign! Every bad lord, will be put to kneel! In my castle and city, darkness will reign! Every bad lord, will be put to kneel! By my hand, and my magic, no one will dare to betray! I hope you be afraid! and don't dare call me small! Come my minions! Rise for your masters! Let our power swarm ( and strike!) Come my minions! Rise for your lord! Let our kingdom attack (and smash!) Let the darkness consume you! -Hazy ("In The Dark Of The Night", Anastasia)
Feeling the Rush - Recorded by Alkaloid
My gaze against the sweeping of the board has grown so weary, it can hold no more. Ravines, there seem to be a thousand, Lord, and next he'll play an avalanche for sure. I'm looking for one of those genius plays, that in the smallest of all circles turns the game around. He vengeanced it away and healed and ramped to mana twelve: Concerns. Here comes a ten-ten champ plus ten-ten champ, not soundlessly — . I won't accept my fate! I'll block unleveled trundle with a chump and kill Tryndamere -- oh wait... -Marcson ("The Panther", Rainer Maria)
Upon Nautilus’s Deck - Recorded by Alkaloid
Display thy deck, deep Nautilus, toss for me The cards thou will'st play not (Atrocity!?); And when Sea Monsters get +3/+3, I'll cry and forfeit, thou stupid bully!! -Alkaloid ("Upon Julia's Breasts", Robert Herrick)
She is neither pale nor frail - Recorded by SnowRosie
She is neither pale nor frail And she never will be without tail She learned her ways in a fairy tale And love for her master like valentine She has more spirit then she needs And the sunbeams are woe of her But even as her friend has no voice It leads her onwards still She loves her all she can And her ways to her friend’s resign Alas she was not made to be bore Yet together for her master they soar -SnowRosie ("Witch-Wife", Edna St. Vincent Millay)
iz Frost - Recorded by Alkaloid
Whose deck this is I think I know It’s midrange neither fast nor slow He will not see me netdeck here Or Papercraft my hapless foe. My enemy must think it queer To play a dev in Silver Tier. It’s not the rank I hope to make Although Gold’s the best I’ve done this year. Byrd gives his little bell a shake It lands on Akshan which I’ll take. 3|3 on curve is pretty steep As long as I avoid mistake. Up Up the ranks I slowly creep It’s easy but it’s kinda cheap I must hit Plat before I sleep, I must hit Plat before I sleep. -plinq ("Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening", Robert Frost)
The Draven - Recorded by HackaKat
Once upon a ladder dreary, while I scrolled, broken, weary, Searching for a deck of such strength and prowess to save me from Bronze III— While I scrolled, with indecision, suddenly there came a vision, Of a man with such precision, precision with His axes spinning “’Tis a foolish dream,” I muttered, “visions of His axes spinning— He’ll never rescue my LP.” Ah, I remember it distinctly, patch version 2.18 Made the gladiator unhealthy, reduced his strength to 2 from 3. I remember how I spiraled;— throwing tantrums like a child— Tearing hair and eyes wild—wild for His fall from glory For his true and triumphant reign of a ladder blessed with His glory Forever lost to history. But what if he could be revived? If in this meta he could thrive? Elation! Inspiration! Eyes filled with endless possibility! I opened my deckbuilder, pondered the question that bewildered; “How, in a meta so solidly solved, could He ever succeed— Against such a meta so solidly solved, He could never succeed”— So did my doubts decree. Instead I strengthened my resolve, He could thrive in a meta solved. “But,” said I, “It's been so long, nearly a decade or three; And the meta has so shifted, and the playerbase rifted, the power of old decks drifted, drifted out of viability. What shell could He flourish in, after going years unseen? Who could be paired with He?” Then the ideas came flowing, the deck began building, growing, Blossoming, blooming into a fruitful and flowering tree; The region Piltover, I picked, the broken city of conflict, The golden gear I clicked, the region to accompany— The brutal, northern lands where they war and bleed— The Noxian creed. The champ I picked to share the limelight, would be Jinx, from Fortnite— The psychopath who thinks everybody is her enemy. Then, after much rumination, I placed His second biggest fan; To guarantee Him in my hand. After came discard synergy— Then some Noxian burn, to support the discard synergy— After that, I was ready. Quivering I queued up ranked, the Runeterran gods I thanked— That I made it to Bronze II after years of grueling grinding; Through metas thick and thin; through countless L’s and wins; Through patches dark and grim; despite the constant doomsaying— I painstakingly persevered, wading through the negativity; I would be stopped by nothing. Finally, after much awaiting, an opponent entered the ring; The humble hammer wielding yordle who cannot contrive, That she’s the hero that she sought joins the musical cosmonaut Whos ringing chimes are oft besought by those seeking to survive. When He entered the board I could scarcely believe my eyes Quoth the Draven “The party has arrived.” I was captivated by His arrival, His bulging muscles and cocky smile, And His axes masterful spinning brought my beating heart to a halt. I shook, breath caught in my throat, a sheen of sweat worn like a coat Shivering like the Freljord yet hot as Shuriman asphalt— So paralyzed was I, that I had neglected my foes lethal assault Quoth the Draven “Whatever man, not my fault.” I jumped away, hands shaking, my confidence slowly breaking Forcing tears from my eyes I quickly queued up another. Facing me next was an insane reptile, the Shuriman warrior crocodile Filled with hatred and vitriol so vile, joined with the Noxian warmonger Who raze the lands of his foes, with a brutal axe and studded armor Quoth the Draven “Oh brother.” The bloodshed that followed left me empty and hollow. Again He entered the battlefield, a symbol of beauty and grace Then the gator entered the fray, smelling of death and decay, Finding Him in a vulnerable state, swinging blades at a butchers pace Dragging my beloved into deaths sweet, cold embrace. Quoth the Draven “My… beautiful face…” The following hours were a blur, wholly consumed by pain and anger. When at last I came to my senses, and took stock of my surroundings The walls looked like swiss cheese, with holes shaped from fists and knees; From the broken window wafted a breeze, fresh air on my wrongdoings. Perhaps this obsession with Him was an unhealthy way of living? Idolizing fictional beings? I scoffed at the revelation, He was worthy of my adoration I brought myself to my feet and shuffled to the keyboard. Not even slightly deterred, I shakily began a third Ignoring the carnage that occurred, I faced a champion abhorred; A famed French duelist, her masterwork of the blade winning many an award. Quoth the Draven “Ho-oh no… a suh-ward.” Another game lost, plagued by pain and mental exhaust I mindlessly queued ranked again, no longer knowing how to stop. Now faced by an undead horseman, commander of the ghostly legion, Hailing from the shadow region, the isles of ruin and rot. As the army of the dead charged in an unstoppable onslaught— Quoth the Draven “Pony want a carrot?” I queued again, eyes twitching; for a win I was itching. My next foe would be the founding father of Piltover The mad yordle scientist with an army of turrets— A genius roboticist; of insurmountable wit and yellow-furred. The clanging of his robotic legion were the last sounds I heard— Quoth the Draven “Nerd!” I stared at the screen, eyes bloodshot. Another game. Lost. I began another game before I could tell myself to not . My final foe, before my mind gives out, is the leader of the Bandle scouts Who litters the land with traps throughout…Who gave a blowgun to a rat? He was evil incarnate, with a cold smile and a little green hat Quoth the Draven “What the f*** is that?” It was a war of attrition, to complete my mission To rid Runeterra of this demon from the Bandlewood. After countless drawn puffcaps, they at last fell in my trap— There was too large a skill gap. They did all they could— But the sound of their Nexus exploding, after everything I withstood… Quoth the Draven “Damn, I’m good.” That was it. I was finally done. With my beloved, I had won. My sanity stretched to its limit I checked my rank; Bronze IV. I should have been happy. I won! But all my past work had been undone. Draven, who once shone like the sun, was no longer someone to live for. There was so much out there, people to meet and places to explore. I was done with him. Nevermore. -HackaKat ("The Raven", Edgar Allan Poe)
The Gray Figure - Recorded by solitaryplace
Among the smoke and fire I saw the figure 5 in red on a Noxian Champion attacking tricked unanswered to Quicksand big slams another body for the Gray Apothecary. -alex ("The Great Figure", William Carlos Williams)
Maokai Lies in Wait
In the Isles, the Shadow Isles, Maokai lies in wait. In the Isles, corrupted Isles, Maokai lies in wait. Near the dungeons, the tortured dungeons, Thresh's souls meet fate. Near the dungeons, the haunted dungeons, Thresh's souls meet fate. Will the Isles, ever be restored? Maokai lies in wait. Or will it last forever more? Thresh's souls meet fate. -Itch ("The Lion Sleeps Tonight", The Tokens)
Health Is Not All -recorded by solitaryplace
Health is not all: it is not board, nor hand Advantage, nor good mental nor a pick That comforts you, and with which you have planned Each move regardless of opponents' deck; Game-knowledge it is not, it won't replace Knowing to play around deny, or Rush, But when opponents go straight for your face You're losing if of health you've not enough. It well may be that when I'm far ahead And see my victory before me clear, Or sense a bait, that I will choose instead To sacrifice some of my health so dear And let my nexus suffer units rude. It well may be. I do not think I would. -solitaryplace ("Love Is Not All", Edna St. Vincent Millay)
That old death lord has vanished - Recorded by Alkaloid
That old death lord has vanished, And for once has gone away, Stray spirits called by him, now banished, My commands shall soon obey, Every small step and saying that he used, I know, And with my minions obeying my dark arts I will show. Flow, Flow onward Stretches many Spare not any darkness rushing. Ever streaming fully downward toward my event horizon gushing. Come, old Stilted robemaker, you are needed! Take these rags and wrap them buoyant around, by my power condensed you have heeded, by my wishes, opulently dressed by you, now catalyst get up and stand, and a big head for you! Run and in your hand! My power increase too. See him, toward my castle he is racing there, he's at the stream of my power already, while lightning on my domains crashing, baleful strikes fast and steady. Once again it hastens! How the power spills, how the catalyst brimming full he fills! Off they run, as I climb my machine, everyone disoriented, Hall and steps immersed are lying. What a flood of power my scepter manifested! Lord and master, hear them crying! Ah, minions come excited. Sirs, my gauntlet is sore. Enemies that I've cited My commands wont ignore. "To the lonely Corner, minions! Foe now Hear your doom. In my mecha When he wills, your master only Calls you, then 'tis time to hear it." -Hazy ("Sorcerer's Apprentice", Goethe)
Collection - Recorded by Alkaloid
1 aurelion sol exists, aurelion sol exists 2 bastion exists; and boxtopus, boxtopus; blade's edge exists; and health potion, health potion 3 cithrias exist; corina, calibrum, citrus courier; cithrias exist; cithrias, conchologist, cygnus the moonstalker 4 detain exists, deny, and despair; darius exists, and detain, and detain; blades, dunekeeper, and dais; dais exists, dais and death; and poems exist; poems, dais, death 5 ebb and flow exists; apprehend, avalanche; sanctuary and akshan exists; wide boards and elnuks exist; every detail exists; memory, memory’s cloak; aftershock exists; dais, elnuks; ibex, pix!, sameness, loneliness exist; owlcats, spiders, and veigars exist, and the future, the future -Marcson ("alphabet", Inger Christensen)
Who lips I’ve kissed, and where and why - Recorded by SnowRosie
Whose lips I’ve kissed, and where and why, I’ve forgotten but what sweet memories lie in wake I know for certain it was no mistake I want their every joy and ache Make me feel their emotion real I’ll take them all with zeal But the rain is full of ghosts this night And in my heart I know this quiet pain Is something I should heed and refrain But I can’t explain how I still maintain These urges so very wicked -SnowRosie ("What my lips have kissed, and where, and why", Edna St. Vincent Millay)
Decimate My Heart Away - Recorded by Hazy
Never gonna give you my decimate at four up Never gonna lower your mana from 4 below? Never gonna run, waste my tempo and please you Never going to drop that deny? Never gonna tell it goodbye? Never gonna let me win, and hurt you -Hazy ("Never Gonna Give You Up", Rick Astley)
The Garen Rework - Recorded by solitaryplace
so much depends
upon
a Garen
rework
buffed by elite
support
within the new
meta
-alex
("The Red Wheelbarrow", William Carlos Williams)Bonus LoL Content!
Do not talk gently, or be polite - Recorded by IcarusPigeon
Do not talk gently, or be polite. Players should flame and rave all through the game, Ragequit, ragequit as you lose the fight. Though wise men know that chat is shite, Because good pings a thousand words convey, Do not talk gently, or be polite. Your toplaner didn't even take Ignite, He burns tp and still loses the wave, Ragequit, ragequit as you lose the fight. Your jungler won't even gank despite The enemy champs permapushing your lane, Do not talk gently, or be polite. Your supp is trash, not a ward in sight, The map's as dark as feeder mid's brain. Ragequit, ragequit as you lose the fight. You're contesting Baron, he forgets to use Smite. Those words again, "You have been slain," Do not talk gently, or be polite. Ragequit, ragequit as you lose the fight. -IcarusPigeon ("Do not go gentle into that good night", Dylan Thomas)
Never More - Recorded by SnowRosie
On a fateful night so dreary
When I found myself so weary
I saw ruin and pain evermore
I helped as I could, and was never bore
I’ve seen one die, but never more
I hardly remember much
But I yearned to help and did as such
I resigned my lungs and breath eager
To save one life, no matter how meager
Then I said It’s just a borrow
I would not be bringer of sorrow
I’ll see yet again a morrow
And then the morrow came
I would never be the same
Alas, cold steel I became
I did not even feel my own name
Thus, my flame of memory gone cold
My father I consoled and told
Father, be not aggrieve
I helped them breathe
So please do not seethe
Even as I am in steel wreathe
I’d yet again go underneath
And help them ever more
Days and nights pass by
And more and more I see him cry
Now I must try and lie
For If I do none he’ll die
On his heart, I know he cant rely
But I need not mine evermore
And with my heart he’ll soar
And die, nevermore
-SnowRosie
("The Raven", Edgar Allan Poe)A LoR Poetry Discord Wait… really!? https://discord.gg/XxqjG8AD Yes, really! =) Poetry, interviews, silly puns… … come wordsmith with us! =)
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