Tuesday Tussles, Dec 14
Fifteen Top-Performing Brews to either Join, or Beat One the LoR Top Dogs With
The evening stretches its foggy tendrils, misty ringlets spreading through dim streets and murky alleys.
The Pilgrims Road’s neon sign flickers like a mirage in the desert.
The pub's interior is far from the barren wasteland it was last week, though.
“Back in full swing, Jericho?”
The barkeep’s mustaches twitch as you climb to a stool by the grimy bar. “Wouldn’t call it full, chief.”
“Aw, come on!” You glance at a couple of well-known regulars. “Those over there? Who were swearing last week they’d switch to the Two Fighty Trolls pub for good? This ain’t the Trolls, isn’t it?”
He smirks. “Wasn’t, last I checked.” With eager fingers, he twirls his signature stainless-steel cocktail shaker, the 'Legna & Balco – Numeromancers' plaque flashing in gold under the dim lights.
You chuckle. “Oh, look who’s impatient for his customer to cut the crap and get down to brass tacks! Alright, Jericho, let’s get this Tuesday rolling…"
"... say I feel like climbing with something new: gimme your take on those new ass-kicking brews I've been hearing about."
"Gotta love it when you can mix what works with what's new, eh?"
"That's why I love you, Jericho."
"Sorry, chief. No marriage proposals before the third drink. House rules."
"Aw, come on," you laugh. "At least pour me first before dashing my hopes!"
***
He grabs a big bottle of Hammer Blue. "You'll be seeing lots of Yordles this evening. That okay?"
"Yeah, no worries. Bring 'em furry fellows."
He squeezes a handful of puffcaps, then adds three drops of Yeux Perçants cognac. "Poppy Teemo, chief, with a dash of Demacian Rally."
"Is that the Rally Yordle brew I've been hearing so much about?"
"One of many. This here is one of the best blends though. Some folks were being stingy with Mayor, but that's a mistake in my opinion."
You take a sip. "Hot damn, this thing kicks."
"55%-plus winrate, chief. And nearly 15% playrate…"
"Whoa… That has to be nearly 100% on the vS scale?"
"Exactly 100%, actually."
You nod while you take a second sip. "Some folks are not gonna be happy with that… Anything this doesn't go down well with?"
"Lurkers may be tough to mix with this. And Dragons, of all things! Pantheon Taric may give you a headache. And also Lulu Poppy when mixed with P&Z"
"Lulu Poppy with… wait, is that a thing?"
He smirks. "On the good news, you'll chew Thralls, Ping City, Darkness and other Yordle piles for breakfast. Cherry on top? Ezreal Kennan should go down easy."
"Ah! Speaking of the devil…"
***
He serves you a bluish mix that sparkles white when it catches the light. "Here you go, Ezreal Kennan. 54%-plus formula — folks yesterday asked me to add a bit of of Will of Ionia, and two parts of Nopeify. Works wonders, I believe."
You take the broad glass close to your nose and sniff deeply. "Maybe a tad too much draw?"
He nods. "May have a point, chief. Colleague at the Blind Luck pub is pouring it with only two parts of Deep Meditation, says that's as much as this brew needs. You'll still be taking all sorts of names with this blend, especially Zoe Lee Sin, Pantheon brews, Lurkers, and Swain Teemo."
"Anything I should worry about?"
"Thralls are gonna give you the mother of all hangovers, should you run into them. Ping City and Poppy Teemo are a problem, too."
***
"Got something with Ahri?"
"Can't say I do, chief. Plenty of folks were all over her last week, looks like it was a one night thing though."
"Heh… you could say that Kennen stole her thunder, am I right?"
He raises an eyebrow. "That supposed to be a pun, chief?"
"Sheesh, talk about a tough crowd. Remind me to try again in a few drinks, okay? And, by the way… "
"... how about the good ol' brews? Any of them I can farm ranks with?"
"Sure thing, chief." He pours from a flask of Salty Tears, adds a touch of pepper, mixes with Noxian red wine. "Gangplank Twisted Fate, original Noxian blend. 54%, blows stuff up left and right."
"Ah! I remember you pouring me this one last week…"
"Works even better now, chief. It's not all rainbow-farting unicorns, of course — if you face your Captain along with Sejuani, you're in for a really bad day, just saying. Darkness, Zoe Lee Sin and Thralls are also a headache — but you're even into Ezreal Kennen, have a slight edge into Yordle piles and Pantheon brews, and kill everything else, so… as far as oldie but goldie goes, this is it."
***
"How about the Bandle City version?"
"Works quite well too." He mixes and shakes vigorously and pours you a glass. "Bandle City Gangplank TF, coming up!"
You take a sip and chuckle. "Really? With Black Market Merchant?"
"The one and only, chief. Yordle Explorer just tastes poorly in this blend... And why add a poorly-tasting card, when you can steal it from the other guy anyway, eh? Still, Poppy piles are a pain, and so are Pantheon brews — Kennan Ezreal should be a piece of cake, though, and both Poppy Ziggs Nox and Plunder go down very well."
***
He serves you a broad glass of Pavoroso rhum on the rocks. "If you want to keep it simple, though, and stick to tried and true… "
"I know: Plunder. I heard it was not doing that great, though?"
He shrugs. "Some folks keep thinking that 'classic' means 'exactly the same'; you gotta flow with the times, read the room, adapt a bit: this here blend is 54% right now."
"Still not a good mix with the cool kids, right?"
"Yeah," he nods, "Poppy piles, Ezreal Kennen, and Thralls are a headache; and Zoe Lee Sin is a ton of pain as usual — rest of the field should be easy, though. Plunder is still plunder, after all."
***
He tosses a ton of ice into a blender. "Now, here's a classic that didn't get the spotlight that much under the iron-fisted rule of Rally Elusives, but seems to have gotten its opportunity to shine…" The tall glass shines ominously, like a bad omen whose time has come. "Thralls, 52% brew."
"Interesting! You added a couple of Inquisitors there?"
"Yep. And smart money's been saying that even a single droplet of The Clock Hand may be too much, in case you're in the mood for tweaking. Poppy piles are gonna give you a massive hangover, and wouldn't mix this with Lurkers or Pantheon Taric — but you'll laugh your ass off when facing Kenny & friends, though, and Plunder should go down well."
***
"Any other oldie but goldie that's still kicking butt?"
"Well… I can always mix you a good Under the Sea, you know… extra salty, no ice?"
"Nah; Lurkers were never my cup of tea, for some reason. So, what about…"
"... those Pantheon brews? Any of them good?"
He grins as he serves you a thin-waisted, broad-shouldered glass. "Now, this one ain't amazing when looking at performance — 51%, so not trash but not great — but sure is proving a fascinating brew to refine: Pantheon Taric, going for Demacia as second region."
"Ah, yeah, I've heard of this one, too. But I thought it wasn't doing well?"
"It wasn't, then it was, then it kinda wasn't again, and now it is. Gotta love tough nuts to crack, eh?"
You palate the drink. "Goat, Guiding Touch, and… is that a whiff of Confront?"
His grin widens. "Soon you'll be pouring me the drinks, chief..."
"No Screechy, though."
"This ain't Expeditions, chief; Screeching Dragon ain't always the GOAT."
"I know what you're doing, Jericho, and I'm not falling for it. No, I won't make a goat pun."
He smirks. "Anyway: mix with Kenny & friends, you'll be puking all night long. Same with Poppy Ziggs Nox. And Plunder is a bit rough on the tongue, too, although manageable — Ping City, Darkness, Thralls and Demacian Poppy piles on the other hand, those you can have for breakfast, brunch and supper."
You take another sip. "A bit of rock-paper-scissors, right? Taric beats Poppy, Poppy beast Kennen, Kennen beats Taric?"
"I just mix the drinks, chief," he shrugs. "Strategy's above my paygrade." He wipes a stain from the bar. “Can’t win ‘em all, though, if that’s what you’re saying.”
"How about the other Pantheon brews? I think I've heard PanZoe was a thing?"
"Heard that rumor myself, but wouldn't know much about it." He serves you two glasses, one sparkling red, the other desert-sand yellow. "The Riven brew, and the Akshan brew. Riven is never wrong, Akshan is a bit on the risky side."
"And about bad mixes…"
"Same as Taric Pantheon, mostly.”
"Alright… any old brews with a twist to make them work?"
"As long as you don't mind going a bit more experimental, chief…"
You grin. "Warmed up already — show me what you've got!"
"Now, these are interesting," he says, as he places two pints of foamy, reddish-yellow beer. "With the Rally Yordles piles, Teemo is Poppy's best friend, Lulu ain't bad, and Ziggs, clearly the worst of them all. But when you look at Noxus, then Poppy Ziggs is still packing a punch. You may have heard it wasn't…"
"Actually, that's exactly what I've heard: declawed dragon, defanged lion, blunt sword that lost its former edge."
"... but that's because this mix wants you to cut the Imperial Demolitionists and add two parts of Bandle Commando. You do that, you get a 53% brew. Gonna be a headache if you mix with Zoe Lee Sin, Ping City, and Lulu Poppy discard…"
"That Lulu Poppy brew again? Are you blueballing me, Jericho?"
"... but Darkness, Pantheon Taric, Lurkers and Thralls, those are smooth sailing."
"And this other one?"
"Bandle Tree, which again you may think it's trash if you look at average numbers, but that's because folks keep fooling around with Explorer — that ruins this brew's bouquet real bad. Grumbleslugs are awesome, though. Goes down well with Zoe Lee Sin, Darkness and Ezreal Kennan, and it's even with Poppy Teemo — Pantheon brews, Ping City and Poppy Ziggs Nox are a headache, though."
"Now spit it out, Jericho. I know you have something up your sleeve."
He smiles innocently. "Not sure what you're talking about, chief."
"Aw, for frag's sake… Alright, I'll say it: enough with the old, let's take a walk on the wild side."
"Well, if you put it that way…"
***
"Here you go: Lulu Poppy, but mixed with the P&Z Discard package."
"Holy crap… is that really a thing!? The Discard package without Rumble or Jinx!?"
He smiles as he points at the brew.
You take a sip. "Whoa, these are some big Yordles…"
"Yep. Can always pour less Yordles in Arms, and add some Inventive Chemists if you prefer little and early over later and big."
"Does this work?"
"It's an odd brew, chief. Ping City and Kezreal are a headache, and so are Riven Pantheon and Zoe Pantheon… but Taric Pantheon, on the other hand, should give you no trouble. Plunder is an okay mix, Poppy Teemo goes down very well, and you can gorge on Darkness, Poppy Ziggs Nox and Lurkers all night long."
***
"If you're looking for something more sandy, though… Akshan Zilean, here you go. Doing a great 55%-plus overall, but lots of different blends so hard to say which one's best. Darkness, Ping City, and especially Kenny & friends, go wild, mix all you want — Thralls, though, will give you a harsh spanking. Poppy piles, Pantheon Taric and Lurkers are also rough."
***
"I know it's a hopeless question, even before I ask it, but… anything with Kindred?"
"Actually, chief: A variation of Jayce Sentinels, featuring Kindred, coming up!"
"Whoa… don't do that, don't give me hope… "
"Risky stuff, chief, but here you go. Not a bad mix with Ezreal Kennen, far as I know."
Several brews later…
… Tuesday is not so tough when it's the Season's first.
Fresh meta, and old dogs with new tricks.
There's brews to try!